I really believe that the title of this post can be On Being (fill in the blank) at Christmastime. This is not meant to be a whine fest or to feel sorry for myself. But I do want to highlight a problem in today’s culture and that is exclusion of people who don’t fit the mold.
By 40, there is this expectation that we are to have our lives all mapped out for us. We should know who we are, what we are doing, and where the rest of our lives may take us (to some extent). And maybe for 50-60% of us . . . this is true. But it’s far from a super majority.
For me, it seems I’ve always been on the outside of the majority and maybe that’s why I am somewhat OK with being considered a freak or a little bit different . . . . I’ve had a lifetime of practice with it. But it never feels good to be misunderstood or marginalized.
Why Decorate For and Celebrate Christmas?
Those of us who are unexpectedly childless or single at this stage of our lives often feel this way . . . especially at the holidays. I stopped really giving a hoot about Christmas and the hoopla surrounding most holidays many years ago. But you automatically get labeled a scrooge if you don’t ‘deck your halls’ to the hilt each year.
But I ask, “Why do it?” “Who am I decorating it for?” Certainly not for me because I have to take time out of my life to put up those gaudy decorations, stumble over them for 6 weeks, and then pack it up again. And we all know that decorations are NOT the real meaning of Christmas anyway, RIGHT?
So, again I ask, “Why do it?”
Those with kids might say . . . . you do it for them. UH . . . ok? Then why am I a scrooge? And to woman or man out there who is single by no choice of their own, why decorate when it’s a reminder of what you don’t have, I say, “I completely understand!”
Do I have a tree? Yes. But only because my hubs is a Christmas nut. He would have the tree up in September if I let him. But it pains me to even put it up at Thanksgiving. It’s the reminder that the one’s who are really enamored by the lights and this ‘magical time’ of the year really aren’t here to witness it. It hurts.
In Context of Scripture
Did you know that God doesn’t care if you celebrate Christmas? Just like I don’t think he gives a hoot what you eat for lunch. Romans chapter 14 states that we are to use our own judgements on what to eat or what days to make special (or not!). And that we are to do so unto the Lord and for his honor. . . . whatever our choices may be.
The broader understanding that I have of that scripture is that God has ordained us to all go through individual circumstances in our lives that make us unique. That uniqueness can be celebrated through our life when we refuse societal attempts to make us submit to cultural norms. How we choose to honor God in those times when we choose NOT to bow to pressure is our unique way of honoring the life and circumstance that He has given to us.
I don’t think that I have to celebrate Christmas the way others do to honor Jesus or my faith because I try to do so throughout the year as well. I only have to honor him with how I manage the struggles he gave to me. I have enough of those on my own without having to add societal pressures and guilt as well.
It’s ok to not want to celebrate Christmas for whatever season you are in at the moment. I know many people in Newtown, Ct and victims of Hurricane Sandy will be struggling with that this year as well. My prayers go out to them and the incredible loss they are experiencing right now. And I can hope and pray that this is the true meaning that resonates this holiday season:
Pray for and encourage those who don’t have the luxury of celebrating the way most do at this time of the year.
I have closed comments to this post. I originally posted it to give voice to those who are struggling this time of the year. I regret that a few who have no empathy have turned this into a bashing session of those who struggle. I have deleted several comments that I felt were inappropriate and condescending. If you feel the need to comment further, please send me an email. Jen at Real Food Freaks dot com
Try being 72. Try being a teenager – 19 – and alone. Try being a black, or a gay, male or female, Jew. That was a very strange post. If that was not a whine feast, or an invitation to a pity party, then nothing in the world is. There are plenty of other things to think about and to do during the Solstice, with happy people or with needy people. Plenty. Your choice.
Yea, that was kind of my point.
This was so hard to read – but would have been even harder to hear just 3 months ago before I ever lost a baby. It would have been hard for me to accept or understand…but not now. I’m having a harder time “getting into it” this year after my miscarraige in September despite having 2 little ones. I feel guilty for it…but it is what it is. Maybe I could give myself a bit of a break…
Yes, Renee. Give yourself a break. That was what I was trying to convey in a really poor way, I guess. The post was just a personal expression of everything I feel about the holidays and how I am trying to give myself that break from pressure. It’s hard when it surrounds you in all your relationships. I get that. I also get that it’s harder when you have kids that you feel you must “go on” for.
One year after we had a tragic loss in our family we chose to celebrate differently. We just had a pajama party. We all slept over at one house and just were “with” each other. It was very low key comparatively. There was no forced celebration. I think you have to make it what you can even if it is different from what you’ve done in the past. Traditions are over-rated IMO.
A really nice post! Since moving from the South to Upstate NY, Christmas just hasn’t been Christmas. And I used to be a Christmas nut! It has helped some to simplify….Many of my decorations are still boxed. I’m not baking one of every variety of cookie known to mankind. Just a few favorites requested by son and hubby. Gift giving has been downsized with the exception of some dear-to-my-heart charities. Which has been VERY helpful to me…it helped me to step back from my pity party for a moment (note that I didn’t cancel it completely…I just try to keep it a pity party for one) and realize that things could be worse…much worse. And do try to enjoy it has much as you can through your husband’s eyes. As much as I enjoyed living Christmas through my children’s eyes when they were small, the person who I most enjoyed watching as he was being enamored with lights and living the magic was my grandfather…he has been gone nearly 30 years, but I will never forget the twinkle in his eye as we gathered around the tree. Regardless of how you celebrate/don’t celebrate, I pray that it is a guilt-free time!
Samantha — I love that ‘pity party for one’. Moving is tough and I can attest to the vast differences between the North and the South. I lived in NY and moved to the South for college, but them moved up to MD where I live now.
I do attempt to enjoy the holidays through my hubs. This year I voluntarily brought up the tree and surprised him with it when he got home from work. That made him happy, which in turn made me happy to see him happy.
He does a good job of not forcing the holiday stuff on me too — for the most part. 
I have a good friend who is 42 and isn’t even married yet– she makes the most out of her life and is always celebrating with friends or traveling. I’ve never heard her complain. She wishes she had a family but she doesn’t let that stop the joy in her life. Others have gone through the adoption process that find life without children unbearable. You need to make some big decisions– either embrace your life and celebrate with joy or make a larger step forward into getting what you truly want. No one’s life is what they would wish for if given the chance for anything… it’s just those people who embrace what they have fully, that feel that it really is. Learn from my Mom who has lived a life wanting more than she had– she can be very bitter and lost a lot of her life to complaining about what is, instead of adjusting her attitude about all of it. I pity her.
Actually Bethany, its not about my life being bad because I have managed quite well to this point without kids (although I will tell you this past year or so has been hard because of the lack of time left, ya know?)
I think what is hard for people at this time of the year is that it’s not just one day, but rather 6 weeks of in-your-face expectations. You’re absolutely right that you have to make mental decisions about how you will adjust to circumstances. But when you are surrounded by people who expect you to be a certain way for a very long period of time that’s very difficult to manage.
I wish I could travel and get away from it all, but that is just not possible. I wish I could adopt but that has also been not possible to this point because of financial restrictions. And we did start foster care, but that is another long story that would make a good blog post someday . . . .sometimes things are just not within our control. When the physical things that you do don’t work . . . all that’s left is to suck it up. Which is what I do for 6 weeks of every year. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. This post was meant to open a discussion for those who can relate to the struggle and let them know, ‘I get it.’
I don’t want you to think that I don’t understand, because I do. I spent my childless years teaching in the public schools and then I was the one leading the Christmas pageants at Church (and everything else because people assume you have all the time in the world when you don’t have children.) I found ways to be around kids for the holidays. I also would get so irritated at people complaining about their own kids when I didn’t think I could have any of my own. I’m just saying that when you feel like this, decide you’re going to do something that you feel you have control over. If this post is more about people being insensitive, well, that happens no matter what the situation– I think we all have relatives or acquaintances that just don’t get it. I spent a few years being depressed and then I decided that I had to script my own life and took charge of what that would look like. Never rule out anything! You’re smart enough to imagine the life you want and when you’re happy, you’ll hear less comments from other people or at least, you’ll be able to ignore them! If you don’t like Christmas, then that’s okay– plan to go away for a great little vacation or something so you don’t have to be around it. Just don’t expect others to reign in their joy because for some this is the best time of year. I’m sending you a hug Jen! You know there’s always Dec. 25th but then there’s always January 2 and things go back to normal every day.
Speaking from the later point of the 5th decade, we all need to be easier on ourselves and others. An occasional pity party is not a bad thing, just keep the catering simple and don’t stay at the party to long! As we go through lives a loss, trauma will resurface. I recently struggled with strong feelings of loss at what would have been my Mom’s 82 birthday. She’s been dead since age 49, why this year? Thankfully a good cry, supportive hug and life and the Holidays are moving forward. I love the Holidays and having a grandchild has added a fun new aspect. Sharing Christmas as Moms’ with my daughter has been another new joy. Outliving our parents has given my husband and I a great sense that each day/year is a gift. God created all of us with a different path and some are more difficult than others. But all have faced some difficulties no matter how much “they seem to have it all” I’m blessed with one beautiful daughter, one wonderful grandson , nearing 35 years of marriage but also 7 miscarriages. Whether Christmas, Mother/Fathers day, a sad anniversary, a kind word, hug or listening ear instead of a judgement for lack of spirit might just be the best random act of kindness. So, Jen, consider yourself hugged by this fb fan and a prayer for you in dealing with the Holidays.
Thanks Robin. Yes we all have our crosses to bear and an important reminder that I need to keep moving forward (just don’t think that includes liking Christmas)
This year has been littered with so much tragedy that I thought it would be an accepted message to let those of us who need it have a break from the pressure. OOps.
Enjoy that little grandchild and spoil him rotten!
I thought you might appreciate this post I read earlier today: http://deeperstory.com/emmanuel-god-with-us/
I loved the reminder of comfort at this time of year from that post. While I have always loved the Christmas season, it has been a time of pain and loss for me over the past 2 years. My mom passed away after a long battle with cancer on Dec. 26th in 2010. Christmas is now a reminder of saying goodbye, while on this earth anyway, which makes it so much harder to remember joy during this season.
I had never thought about how hard the holiday season can be for others until I experienced loss myself. I hope you can also find some comfort, and less pressure on celebrating Christmas in the expected way. Thanks for sharing your story!
Mindy, THANK YOU! I loved that post. It really helped me to take my focus off what I’m not doing right and focus on the way we experience JOY at any time of the year! Excellent. And yes, we only can empathize when we truly have experienced the pain ourselves. I don’t blame others for not being able to relate to this post as it is an intensely personal thing. But I share just because I know there are others who will experience it and hopefully will not feel so alone in it. I am sorry for the loss of your mom. Hoping you find that joy this year as well.
Jen, as always I so appreciate your raw honesty. I think especially in light of all the tragedy in recent months, it is a timely and important post to read. Though it may not make for the lightest reading, I’m very glad you shared it.
I know what you mean about feeling like Christmas is just something to be gotten through, perhaps for a different reason. In recent years, and particularly this year, I’ve wondered where my Christmas spirit has gone, me, who has traditionally been the biggest Christmas nut ever! I love to decorate and do all the special things with my hubs and son, but, I am also conscious of the fact that I’m not feeling the joy as I used to, and my hope of finding that Christmas magic grows dim. I suspect I’m looking in all the wrong places, and though I know perfectly well where I should be looking, I don’t understand why I persist in looking for it elsewhere.
I can understand the hurt and pain of going through the holidays without little children to share it with. My son is all grown up, as you know, and Christmases have never been quite the same since he stopped asking for toys. I think toys are part of that magical element, though I know there is a deeper and more meaningful side to it all.
I guess mainly I wanted to say, I get it. I feel your pain. And I thank you for being so honest with us all and for letting us know it’s OK to feel the way some of us do.
Don’t be discouraged about some of the other responses. It may be that raw honesty makes people uncomfortable sometimes, but I believe it to be a critical element that is largely lacking in our society today. Bravo Jen.
Oh Jana, thanks for your kind, kind words. As you know there are extenuating factors related to my more morose condition this year. It will pass, although I fear this dislike of Christmas may not. That has been with me for a while now.
Is it change that causes us to have these sudden differences feelings about Christmastime? Are we so stuck in what “Christmas should be’ that we miss what it truly is — even from the beginning? I know you have some big things going on this year. Hoping it all works out for you and your family in a very positive way. I hope you are truly blessed for your sacrifices.
I like this post, and your thoughtful discussion. I am 50, single and Jewish. It is very hard this time of year. Thank you for giving voice to your experience and encouraging others to do so. I try to remember that all the days will be filled with more light after we pass the Solstice. That is a good symbol for me to get through the next few months. Peace to you,
Laura, THANK YOU for seeing that this post was not meant to be divisive. And I am glad that you shared your struggle too. It makes us feel a little bit more human and normal when we can share with each other. I can completely understand your struggle this time of the year. Keep your head up, girl. January 2 is around the corner. Just a couple more weeks. Peace to you as well!
Jen, I am, like you, also married, single and without children. I completely understand what you’re saying! My husband, also like yours, is a kid at heart and cannot wait to get out the tree and all the decorations. I loved this post and it really spoke to me. We have no small children in my family (I have a younger brother who has not yet had any children) so Christmas is definitely “different” in my family. My mom and I were just talking about taking a new approach to it next year and not focusing on the gifting so much but more on the being grateful for family and friends that should really be the focus this time of year. Thank you sooooo much for sharing and from a fellow scrooge-ish 40 year old, “bah humbug!” LOL!!!!
Candice — love it! bah humbug is right. I do kind of like that my hubs does get into it though. It forces me to get out of the funk that I’m in for the 6 weeks leading through the end of the year. I think your mom is a wise woman. I would LOVE to forgo the gifting and just be with family and friends, minus the pressure.
Hope you have a good one this year!
Your feelings are valid. You have a right to feel bad or good or Christmassy or not. I find all of the “in your face” demands for Christmas spirit to be obnoxious and selfish. My house is decorated. I’ve sent out the cards. Now I’m finished. It’s just the hubby and me and we don’t care what day it is. No turkey, no big gathering, just the two of us having a regular meal and spending the day together. I moved to the Bible Belt 8 years ago and every year, I feel sorry for those who do not follow the Christian faith here. There is no allowance given for Jewish or Muslim people or any other faith. It’s very unpleasant.
Deborah, I think that is the exact problem . . . .all the in-your-face expectations. And I did live in the Bible belt for several years when I attended college. There’s definitely added pressure to be a ‘certain way’ pretty much the entire year and not just at the holidays.
Being 40 and not having children is not a curse, Jen. Perhaps is was a choice for you, I don’t know. I’m mid-60(ish). I have 3 daughters and 8 grandchildren. Love them all. None of them are coming up to visit this Christmas due to different circumstances and I’m kind of glad. There’s something even more special about getting to spend this special day with the one you love most in the world without having to feed, clean up after, and entertain guests. I love the meaning of Christmas but not necessarily all the hoopla that goes with it. You mention biblical references so I assume you’re a Christian and I agree that one day should not define Christmas. If we could all just demonstrate the peace, goodwill to men, that we do at Christmas the rest of the year, wouldn’t that make a change in the world. I live probably in the buckle of the Bible Belt but here we’re pretty tolerant of those who may not celebrate in the same way. BTW, I didn’t take your post as a whine. Just as sharing what’s on your heart. Anyway, a blessed Christmas to you and yours from me and mine.
Don,
Being childless is not a choice. I guess I could have made that more clear, but since I was only sharing this with FB followers I thought most would have already known about my infertility issues. So yes, it seems painful mostly from the absence of what I have not been able to have (sharing the joy of Christmas through a child’s eyes).
I wish that I had the opportunity to only spend the day in peace and quiet of just my spouse on the days of Christmas Eve and Christmas, but this is not the case. For the purposes of discreetness I choose not to convey more details publicly. Someday, I have a dream that maybe the hubs and I could get away for the holidays. That would be a miracle and a true blessing. Maybe someday.
Yes, I am a Christian. And I agree that if everyone expressed true joy the way it is supposedly practiced at Christmas this world would be a better place. However, I don’t see a lot of true joy at this time of the year. I just see a lot of greed and selfishness. But maybe that’s just because I’m not looking hard enough.
Have to keep looking . . . .
Thanks for your insight and comments.
I just have to defend the Bible Belt. I live in it and work at the oldest Retirement community in Florida, Advent Christian Village , recently 99 years old. Maybe its the history of this place, it started as an orphanage in 1913 after the denomination tried to make a camp meeting place, received a plea from a Mother who was dying needing a place for her children. We currently have 17 denominations attending the Village church. Our Physician is a practicing Muslim originally from India. We strive to make Christmas a Season of expressing Christ Love to our residents. Every resident in the Nursing Home receives a gift from a Secret Santa supplied by staff. Many of our residents have out lived their loved ones, many are retired missionaries and others who served God and never married. Tomorrow I will be decked out in a flashing light necklace, my leopard trim Santa hat and my mini poodle will have his reindeer antlers on to bring hugs, love and cheer along with Santas visit. Yes, there’s a
lot of greed, commercialism and negatives about the Holidays but we can do something to make our corner of the world better. We had to go shopping yesterday in the neighboring town. Besides buying some last minute food items, we gave 3 homeless people we saw winter survival kits we made. Hot hands, space blanket, toothbrush toothpaste combo, food, free coffee at Starbucks and a Christmas card. We didn’t change the world but their smiles said we made their day.
Robin, that sounds like a nice place to live. I will say that my experience was not quite the same. There was a divide in the community as if it was “us against them”. I worked in the community but attended the local Christian university. So I heard both sides. It was unpleasant and I blame the Christian community for that. I am saddened by the actions and words of people in the university and some prominent churches in the area that created that divide rather than doing what it appears your community has done to bridge that gap.
My comment was just a reflection of my personal experience. I am certain there are places that are not quite as divided.